My Angel Story

I am the mother of an angel. She got her wings July 29th 2013, three weeks before her due date. Her daddy and I had all but given up on getting pregnant, after trying for 5 years. She was our miracle baby, We were so excited. Her daddy immediately started making videos for her to watch when she got older.

I have a chronic pain condition and clinical depression so I had to be weaned off of my meds and monitored by a perinatologist, an unborn baby specialist. I had a horrible 1st trimester, I was miserable 24hrs a day, but it was worth it. We were finally going to be parents, and almost miraculously my chronic pain subsided, the OB said it was because the hormones were making my tendons. The next trimester went by without drama. I saw the perinatologist regularly just to be on the safe side. The perinatologist and the OB/Gyn assured me throughout the pregnancy that she was perfect. At 31 weeks, I had a 3-D sonogram

rubbing her eyes

Rubbing Her Eyes

Yawning

Yawning

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It was the only time I really got to see her move and look like a real baby. She was sucking on her toe. Her daddy missed the sonogram because of work, but he watched it when we got home. I started seeing the OB and Perinatologist weekly and everything continued to look perfect. She was very active and respond to her daddy’s voice. Everynight before I went to bed, he would talk to my belly and she would move in the direction of his voice. She seemed to really enjoy his voice.

I had heard that the further you get into pregnancy the less the baby moves, because they have less room. However, one day I stopped feeling her move altogether. I called a couple of friends and they assured me it was simply due to a lack of space. I tried not to worry, but I called the OB anyway and she said not to worry just count kicks for an hour. I felt little twitches and I figured that they were kicks based on what I had learned earlier about space limitations. It was the the weekend so I decided I would go in on Monday to the perinatologist.

I got up earlier than usual because I was nervous. The Perinatologist was more than a little annoyed with me for coming in without an appointment but she was closer than my regular OB/Gyn . The nurse was perky and friendly, as usual, anyway. She led me to the, usually, relaxing room that I went every visit in the last trimester to sit for 15 min and listen to the wonderful, musical sound of my baby’s heartbeat. This time, though, she tried not to look panicked as she moved the wand around, desperately trying to hear something resembling a heartbeat. She told me not to panic and left the room to go get the doctor. The doctor moved me to the sonogram room. I think it was her first loss because she looked at me and told me that I needed to stay calm with the actual expectation that was possible. Then she told me that precious baby girl was gone. All I could do was scream “No”. It made no sense. I called her daddy immediately and he rushed over. We were both in disbelief. The doctor told John if he could get me to lay back down she could get a better look. She told us that she was perfect except for the the fact that she no longer had a heartbeat.

I called my mom and she met us at the hospital. Her daddy called his parents, who had planned to come up from Austin when Sara Jayne was born and spend a week to help out, they just had to come a little earlier and for a different reason. The doctor called my regular OB/Gyn who was in Fort Worth at Harris Downtown. I was too upset to drive so my mom took us to the hospital, where they were expecting us. We were completely in shock. On the way to the hospital, her Cici (that’s what her daddy’s mom wanted to be called) called and suggested that have pictures taken. This blew my mind. She told us that there was a service called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, they take pictures of stillborns. I couldn’t think about that. I couldn’t think about the only permanent memories of baby girl being after she was gone.

When we got to the hospital, they asked if I had eaten that day, I had had 4 vanilla cream cookies at 8AM so nothing could be done until 4:30PM. My OB came in to talk to me, he said that I could be induced but considering I wasn’t due for three weeks and the baby had passed, labor could take 24-30 hrs. I didn’t think that I could take that so I opted for a C-Section. Her daddy said it was the scaredest he has ever been in his life. He was afraid “he was going to lose both his girls”. I was out of it during the procedure, but I do remember they brought her to me. It was a good thing that I was completely drugged up or I think I would have lost my mind.

I did not sleep at all that first night. I was really itchy from the Demerol and too many emotions to understand or sort out.

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My beautiful baby girl